“The long Goodbye”

In a couple hours I’ll be going out for brunch with a new friend/colleague & her husband.

Yesterday I hiked a 14er with one of my best buddies here.

This upcoming week I have plans to spend a couple days with another of my favorite guy-friends here as well as plans with other climbing buddies.

The past weeks and months have been constellated with pleasant, frequent, even regular, activities in company of good friends, fun buddies, and nice people here with whom the connections flow easily, steadily, mutually.

Yet the strongest feelings this morning are pain and sadness.

I have finally organized all the logistics to complete my move from California to Colorado and I’ll be going to California next week to finish packing up, to empty my old office there, to return items at my old job, to oversee the pick-up & delivery of my belongings from there to Colorado, and to see friends. To say “Hi/Goodbye” to friends there.

This morning the reality of the “Goodbyes” really hit me hard.

As I was driving out of California with my car-load for the temporary move last winter, feeling deeply sad and also a little scared, I said to myself, “I can come back here anytime, if I want to”. And that was true.

I decided that I didn’t want to go back there, and I still feel I don’t want to go back to stay. I’m really much happier and healthier here. Look at how much I’ve been able to heal and rebuild in these six months here!

On the other hand, though, these six months have also been a “long goodbye”, or a preparation for the final goodbye: and this final goodbye is coming up in the next couple weeks. The friendships I have there will always remain, sincere and solid, and I know we’ll continue to keep in touch like we have been doing in all this time and even visit each other. But I’ll be packing up my stuff and leaving. I’ll be packing up and leaving.

And I might be having two meetings, in particular, with persons who are special to me, that could be painful, sad, or awkward. One will probably be a reconnecting, with some effort, the new start of a deep, sincere, and open friendship. The other (if it even takes place) will most likely be the very last act of a very long goodbye.

In the midst of the hectic organization of logistics and in the height of the happiness and fun I’ve found here, I hadn’t realized how painful or overwhelming those days in California might be. It might all turn out to be much lighter than it feels this morning – hopefully it will. But I also need to be prepared for this pain that I’m feeling now to come back, more intensely, once I’m there. So having certain plans both here and there with people with whom there is mutual, sincere care and interest and pleasure in each other’s company is a good emotional life-line to help me handle this “long goodbye” with healthy awareness, courage, and authenticity.