Mental fatigue is real

And climbing buddies can be wonderful! 

The mental fatigue started during the pandemic, partly from my own illness and isolation and partly from the extra stress of teaching online (without the right tools or preparation to do so properly). Being on leave this semester definitely helped — that’s why I was put on leave in the first place: because I was burnt out from work- & pandemic-related stress and trauma. Being away and focusing on something very different from showing up in a classroom (whether real or virtual) really helped. But I still pushed through huge mental and emotional endeavors in these past six months. The move (which is still incomplete), the uncertainties, my thyroid illness, practical issues with my car and housing, the big insights and decisions related to my non-binary/trans identity, finding myself and a new place for myself in the world. And also, getting my textbook written, and done on time — with all the rest of the shit hitting the fan. For better or for worse, I was conditioned to be extremely self-disciplined, and I tend to be very self-motivated. And it certainly paid off with this huge textbook project. But now I’m really tired. I’m still trying to unwind and decompress. It’s taking me longer than I expected it would, I guess. 

I’m mentally tired.

And it really hit me on an outdoor climb yesterday. 

I tend to be quite a dare-devil. I take risks — calculated risks but still risks, and I enjoy doing so, I always have. Fear isn’t usually a feeling I struggle with or feel in an overwhelming way. Fear is usually an emotion I can handle well: it alerts me to whatever risk or danger (physical or emotional or practical) I might be facing, but it has hardly ever paralyzed me or put me in “freeze” mode. Despite the many risky situations I’ve been (or gotten myself) in, I’ve really panicked only a couple times. 

And yesterday I realized how much an already-tired mind is so much more prone to freeze from fear. 

I didn’t panic, but I got close to it. I had to fight with my mind, to control fear that usually I wouldn’t have felt in such a situation, and not even in more dangerous ones. The effort to stay calm and focused yesterday was enormous in some moments. 

But fortunately I was with a bunch of people (actually, all of them strangers except one, at least until yesterday!) who understood. And fortunately the one person I knew already before going to the climbing meetup yesterday is one of my best (albeit recent) climbing buddies here. I would dare say he’s a friend. 

He roped me into this climbing meetup with a bunch of strangers and we encouraged each other to go despite tiredness and busyness because we both know how much we each want to meet new friends and climbing buddies here. We got there quite late because we were both super tired and slow yesterday morning. And as we were approaching the climbing area, we got to a portion that had to be scrambled, that I wasn’t expecting but that in normal circumstances I would have just scrambled up and enjoyed without much thought. Yesterday, I froze. He scrambled up to scout it out and then patiently let me make up my mind on which way I’d go up. But I couldn’t. So he patiently waited and gently offered a couple options: he could down-climb and then climb back up together with me, or he could belay me off one of the trees there so I could have the safety of a rope (totally unnecessary in practice but mentally really helpful). I opted for the latter and joined him where he was waiting for me half-way up to the meeting point. Then comes another portion to scramble, and I freeze again. The rest of the climbers at this point are visible to us, on a long wide ledge just 20-30 feet up. I started feeling so tired and mentally fatigued that I thought I’d just go home, turn back and go home. I told my buddy to just go join the other climbers and I’d go home. I knew how much it means to him to meet new buddies (I’m feeling the same) and I sincerely wanted to let him have a good day without stressing myself out. And I told him, “Don’t worry, go and meet the new people and have fun. I’ll go back, and we’ll just climb together some other time. It’s really okay”, and I meant it. But he replied to me, “But I don’t know them. I know you. So if you’re up for it, I don’t mind at all belaying you up. I know how you’re feeling in your head, it happens to all of us sometimes”. It was really wonderful. Lovely. 

So my buddy gives me the rope with which he had just belayed me to coil up while he goes up to scout out the area where the other climbers are, with the plan that he’ll belay me up for this last portion as well (which also wouldn’t have needed it in reality!). And as I started coiling the rope, letting my hands, my body just do this thing I know so well automatically, and probably as my friend’s words sunk deep into my head & soul, my mind calmed down. I looked up at the past portion and knew I could do it. I called to my friend to just take the rope and put it away: “I can do this”, I said. He looked at me and asked once, “Tu es sûr(e)?”. “Oui, je suis sûr(e)”, I’m sure. I knew I could do it and so did he. When I got up and joined him and the rest of the climbers, he said with a big smile on his face, “A. is back in spirit! You conquered your fear”! 

So I was and so I had, at least partly. And I was able to do so party because I’ve learned to know myself and handle myself and my emotions, even the most difficult and overwhelming ones. But also thanks to my buddy’s attitude, for his being supportive without being pushy. I felt seen, I felt understood. I felt that I had nothing to prove, neither to myself nor to him, nor to any of the other climbers. Everyone was patient and understanding with me. All climbers have been there. 

Mental fatigue is real.