Wonderful reminder

I’m still reeling from the beautiful intensity of the past two days with my European climbing buddy visiting. 

The timing of his visit was a godsend. 

The pain and sadness from my very recent heartbreak might come back — they probably will as grief comes in waves; and if/when it happens, I’ll hold that grief and work through it. But this visit now was a wonderful reminder of who I am, of what I really want, and of the connections that I still can make (& have been making throughout my life, including in the past five or six years here in the U.S.). 

The past two days have been both grounding and exhilarating. A wonderful reminder that it is, indeed, possible for me to connect with guys super deeply, super intensely, super sincerely, immediately, i.e. in an absolutely spontaneous, instinctive way that encompasses multiple levels all wrapped up together with neither of us being fazed by them but, on the contrary, embracing them and riding them like a wave with trust and ease.

The common European background helped for sure — e.g. the wonderful, unasked for affirmation I got when talking about my non-binary identity and he told me that he sees me like one of those Greek-Hellenistic sculptures of a young boy, a budding young man — he was referring to the kuros that I identify with but hadn’t mentioned to him — without my having to say it, we were saying/seeing the same thing thanks to our similar European schooling. That was beautiful, one of the loveliest moments of affirmation and shared understanding that I’ve recently experienced.

But there were also other aspects of our interactions and feelings that went beyond our common European background. That were merely due to our compatibility as persons: these were good reminders of similar situations that I have been able to find with other guys here in the U.S. in the past few years. 

I have met and connected deeply with lots of wonderful people here and learned so much. In general, I really appreciate there being more respect for personal space, less automatic “touchy-feelyness”, more respect for and awareness of the need for consent when getting close to someone, than is usually found in Southern European countries/cultures. But in some of my experiences/interactions here I have felt a loss of spontaneity and/or directness in this continuous “testing the waters” approach. In my opinion, there can be a beauty and happiness in trusting the body-language and I find it sad to lose it completely or let it be overshadowed by too much “talking through everything”. 

The spontaneously easy and close interactions with my climbing buddy in the past couple days here were a wonderful reminder for me of similar interactions I have had here in the U.S. in the past few years (and with two 100%-American guys actually). Persons with whom there was some kind of immediate recognition and ease and liking at lots of different levels and with whom, to some extent or other, body-language was the guide of our interactions with some kind of unspoken yet mutually understood consent. Situations in which both the other guy and I felt like we had known each other our entire lives.

I like that. It feels wonderfully good to me and gives me a rare, special, and cherished enlivening joy.