Today and tomorrow I have some very important things coming up for me, both because of deadlines for my textbook and because of gender-affirming medical appointments: intake call on top surgery today and endocrinologist visit to discuss HRT tomorrow!
But also, or already, yesterday evening something really important happened for me: I came out more fully, actually discussing my recent thoughts and feelings on gender-affirming medical procedures with a very heteronormative couple — and it felt really good!
They’re not just any random pair of strangers, of course. He’s one of my new but already closest climbing buddies here in Colorado — he’s the guy to whom a couple months ago I said, “I feel like I’m a boy in a girl’s body and I’m a boy who likes boys”, and his spontaneous, supportive reply was, “There’s nothing wrong with that!”
He & I are very similar in many ways. We hit it off as buddies or fraternal friends with instinctive camaraderie right from the first time we met (he actually gave me a ride, as a stranger, when my car engine got overheated in February and I was stuck in the canyon!).
He moved here, like myself and many other people to whom I’m connecting here, mainly for the climbing and outdoorsy lifestyle; and now his girlfriend has joined him here. They are very open-minded, progressive, and kind but also, by their own admission, quite “heteronormative”.
Yesterday evening I was over at their new place for dinner and we were catching up on a lot and I was feeling safe and comfortable about all my gender thoughts; so I didn’t refrain from letting the topic slip into the conversation if/when appropriate, just as I did when climbing with the four guys last weekend. [This courage and feeling comfortable/confident talking about “queerness” more openly is something very new and even a little scary to me.]
At one point last night, I mentioned that in a week I’ll be getting my first tattoo — so they asked about that and when I said it will be on my left shoulder-blade, my climbing buddy said half joking, “Oh, so from now on you’ll be climbing with a bare back to show your tattoo?!?” To which I replied: “Of course, and I might even do something that allows me to climb bare-chested…” — but then I let the conversation move on to another topic.
Later yesterday evening, we were talking about skiing — another activity that this climbing buddy and I share, and he asked me whether I’d be getting the “Epic Pass” to ski regularly next winter. At that point, after a moment’s hesitation, I took the plunge. I started by instinctively replying very vaguely (albeit honestly), “Yes, if I can I’d like to get it…” But then holding the truth back felt uncomfortable or wrong, I felt like I wanted him to know why I might not be able to get the “Epic Pass” to go skiing regularly next winter, so I took a breath and said it: “I might be getting surgery sometime between the end of next fall and the beginning of winter, and if I do, it will require a few months recovery so I don’t know if I’ll be able to ski much next season”. I didn’t mention “top surgery” explicitly but they both got it immediately and their reaction was wonderful: they didn’t push or pry but were genuinely interested in my feelings and process; they asked me how long the recovery would take, asked me whether I will be getting on hormones first, shared some info they had from another friend of theirs who’s trans-masculine and been on testosterone for a while, and made sure I’m getting all the support I need and talking to people who have already done this and/or are in the process of doing it. There was genuine interest and care on their part and not a trace of judgement or prejudice. And then even a very funny moment when talking about HRT my climbing buddy suddenly said, “Oh man, you’ll get so strong and climb so much better than me!” — that was hilarious but also flattering in some way. And it also gave me food for thought as I realized that being an even stronger athlete, and in particular even stronger climber, is one big motivation for my desire to get on “T” (= testosterone).
Sharing my feelings, my thought process, my plans and doubts with this “non-queer” pair was liberating, comforting, affirming, fun, and also very instructive for me. Instructive because, as I also told them last night, I haven’t made up my mind at all, yet; I’m still debating whether I want to do anything medical and if so, what and when and how or to what extent. And telling them openly that I’m still in the initial phase of gathering information, talking to specialists and people in the community, thinking about it but also still full of questions and doubts myself, and explaining or describing some of those doubts explicitly to them, helped me understand my own feelings and desires and doubts or fears better.
So for me that was quite a new and powerful way of coming out last night!
The Little Prince and the Fox 