First step towards a boy’s chest, at last

The intake call with the physician’s assistant for top surgery went so well this morning that I was overwhelmed and at a certain point just couldn’t stop the tears rushing out of me during the half-hour phone call. 

The realization of this being actually DOABLE, of even having options on the type of surgery or some details. Learning more about the recovery and discovering that it wouldn’t be as bad or as long as I had thought. Being told that I could choose whether I would rather aim more for “nipple sensation preservation” or “masculinization of my chest” — that drew tears from my eyes as I was flooded by disbelief and joy and excitement at the idea, almost the visible image in my mind’s eye, of having a boy’s chest, at last. 

I’ll probably be waiting six or seven months before getting this surgery done, mainly for professional reasons, but if I could, I’d get it done now and getting all this information from specialists and actually taking the steps towards making this happen (as the video call with the surgeon that I’ll have soon, too) feels wonderfully good, albeit still unreal… 

But it’s starting to feel more and more real — to the extent that I’m beginning to think about some of my close friends whom I haven’t seen or heard from in months, who don’t know about these latest developments and decisions in my personal life… who might see a very different “me”, a person who possibly will look very different in a few months’ time… And if I do get on HRT, I might even end up sounding different…

Part of me is still in disbelief, while part of me is starting to soak in these new possibilities, the new images of me more aligned on the outside to how I feel on the inside… 

Tomorrow, after weeks of waiting, I’ll finally talk to the endocrinologist about HRT… so tomorrow I might already make a decision on that front, too… and even if not, I’ll anyway have more information to go on and make my decision when I’m ready… I’m so excited!

For now, for tonight, I’m going to revel in the new image of me with a boy’s chest at last…