Gentleness

Gentleness with myself is a skill I’m still learning. And will need to practice a lot today. 

Last week was rough — one of the roughest weeks I’d had in a long time. My female hormones before and during my period hit me harder than ever, probably intensified by my (hopefully temporary) hypothyroidism, and triggering my gender dysphoria and body-image issues and ensuing eating disorders like I hadn’t felt in decades. On top of that, the practical issues of having to deal with less personal/quiet space in the house where I’m living and actually a feeling of being in a hostile environment… Suddenly, I was told, sort of politely but very effectively, that I had to leave ASAP and no later than this Thursday, April 28th, which is 2-3 weeks earlier than planned… It was a blow. Emotionally, but also financially and from the viewpoint of logistics. And all of this while having tight deadlines for the textbook I’m writing, for which another chapter was due yesterday. 

My bloody female hormones have finally given me a break since this past weekend and being able to exercise and see some trusted friends outdoors here has also helped. And yesterday I managed to submit the chapter that was due — a huge push, a huge effort, but also a huge accomplishment. 

Today I’m really tired. I really feel the need to be gentle with myself, careful with this little being that can push so hard but has also been through so much, especially in the past months. 

The other evening I was talking to one of my closest friends, whom I met less than a year ago, in May/June 2021. And they were reminding me of how much I’ve been through, how many changes, how many “shit shows” or “perfect storms”, how many trauma triggers, how much self-discovery and growth, how many leaps of faith — all of it only since knowing each other, in less than a year… It’s true. I often forget how much I’ve been through, on top of COVID and everything else that’s going on in the world. Lots of what I’ve been through has been good or, at least, it has brought wonderful changes my way, but it’s all been a lot, like one Copernican revolution after another. 

So today I’ll try and extend some gentleness toward myself, be kind and gentle with myself before my next big step — moving to another town in just a couple days…