The other reason

The other reason for my suffering, today and in the past few days, is that I’m scared. 

Now that I’ve finally committed, I’m scared. 

I’ve signed the postdoc offer and gotten most of the paperwork for that done. I’m gradually turning down other professional opportunities, which effectively means eliminating other options, closing other doors, at least for now. I’ll be moving to my new temporary home within a month. 

I love it here. This is the first place on Earth that I’ve chosen completely by myself, with nobody else’s influence but just because I like it and feel comfortable here and resonate with the people and places here. Indeed, I have several new friends and acquaintances and opportunities to hang out with people here — people who also contact me and seek me out without it always having to be me to make the first step. 

And yet, I’m scared. Maybe because I love it so much here, or because it is the first place I’ve chosen completely by myself, for me, independently of anyone else, including my special trans friend and dear climbing/adventure buddy from California. 

Maybe I’m so scared because I’m putting so much pressure on myself about this “second chance” I’m giving myself with academic research. Or scared of maintaining a healthy balance between the deep feelings & special relationship with my trans climbing friend in California and my new life here: because I care about them so much and feel so well with them — and now I know it’s mutual — but I also want to continue building my own life here, finding my way again in a new place, making new friends, pursuing a career… 

I guess I’m afraid of not managing it all…