Why put up with it?

After nearly two weeks of not writing, I’m back, and would have so much to say that I hardly know where to start. 

Today, I had to swim 2 miles to be able to get some of my grumpiness (& loneliness) off. I basically drugged myself into a good mood by getting endorphins flowing in my body. 

I think this is PMS (pre-/peri-menstrual-syndrome). I’ve had it my whole life, except for when I was on oral contraceptives. And I really cannot complain because apart from this grumpiness for a few days before my period, I really have never had any other physical or psychological issues from this feminine phenomenon. Until now. Now it’s become unbearable to me: why should I put myself through this for several days every month? Why put up with this? Every f***ick month for more than half my life and for no reason at all, since I don’t want to get pregnant, ever, and have never wanted to — on the contrary, I have always dreaded and felt alienated by the mere thought of a pregnancy in my body. 

This isn’t just the usual bracing myself to put up with a few days of “bad mood” —which in any case, is no fun every month for decades. Now this is yet another trigger for my gender dysphoria. And as such it is terribly painful and frustrating and upsetting. 

Once we learn things, we cannot unlearn them. Once you see the truth, you cannot “unsee” it. And this is the painful aspect of having come into myself — and still being in the process of growing into myself — as a non-binary trans person. It’s the two sides of the same coin: one side is the liberation, the joy, the beauty, the relief; the other side is the pain, the anger, the frustration, and even alienation. Although the alienation was always there, even before coming into myself and out to the world as non-binary trans. And the alienation will probably always be there, at least to a certain extent, because unfortunately we live in a terribly binary, discriminating, non-inclusive world. All the automatic “Ladies & gentlemen”, “Sir’s” & “M’am’s”, “men and women”, “sick or healthy”, “good and bad”, “us and them”, etc. 

To feel vaguely comfortable at the gym or pool, I now use the “all gender” restrooms, which are those usually available for several purposes, mainly baby-changing station and bathroom for disabled persons. These spaces are invariably uncomfortable and very lacking compared to the binary gendered changing rooms with plenty of showers, bathrooms stalls, hand and/or hair-dryers, lockers, long mirrors, and benches. The “all gender” restrooms have small dingy showers (no idea how a disabled person, say in a wheelchair, could wash in there!), no or very few lockers, often no bench to sit on (once again, how can that be practical for a disabled person, among others!?!), never a hair-dryer (don’t we trans people have hair?!?) and only a short mirror over the sink. Restrooms built like this are perfunctory. Rather than feeling grateful that most gyms have one (never more than one!) room like this, I’m actually starting to feel affronted and frustrated by the glaring discrimination or “non-inclusivity” that shows through such a space. If someone is not cis-gender or if someone is disabled or just has a small child to take care of, they are automatically relegated to a small, uncomfortable space. 

And I’ve stopped keeping quiet about it. I’ve started pointing it out and putting in formal complaints, in polite but firm ways, in every gym where I’m going and have to use such a space. 

Just like starting to speak up when I hear comments that are biased by unfounded binary beliefs. The other day, as I walked into the reception of the physical therapist’s office, I couldn’t help but overhear the receptionist say to a previous customer that her “son is just naturally different from her daughters, that males and females are just wired differently”. I was so upset that I stepped back and went to the (fortunately “all gender”!) bathroom, to take a deep breath and ponder whether I could let go of that comment or not. And then I decided I couldn’t. Not just for me, but for the future society we’re trying to build. We cannot let these toxic, unfounded, scientifically incorrect beliefs be perpetuated because they hurt everyone: cis-gender and abled and privileged people as much as under-represented groups. So as soon as I felt calm enough, I went back out and very politely addressed the receptionist, starting by apologizing for overhearing the conversation with the other customer and asking if she minded me making a comment. Thankfully she was friendly and willing to listen so I was able to tell her that, actually, it is scientifically proven that “males and females” are not “wired” in certain ways that make them intrinsically different on a psychological level; that there are “intersex” persons for whom the “male/female” labels are simply wrong or insufficient, as well as non-binary/trans persons, like myself, for whom such labels feel wrong and/or uncomfortable; and I offered to give her some references of books to back up my comments — which she thankfully accepted. This receptionist is a young, nice, open-minded person who will hopefully read some of the references or, at least, maybe try and raise her children in a less binary and biased way now. But often speaking up openly like that is difficult, impossible, useless, or even dangerous.

I felt that with all I said to her that afternoon I was already pushing the boundaries but I also felt it was a duty I had: to not put up with it, to try and spread some seeds, not just for me, but for the people growing up in this world.