Second (or maybe third) chance?

I feel like I’m being given a second chance. 

A second chance to try my luck (or skills) at doing research in academia, of testing and even healing my relationship with science.

This time around I’m a very different person. Not only a dozen years older. In many ways, I’m actually younger, or more youthful. And although I still have instances of impostor syndrome, which might become more frequent at least at the beginning of my next postdoc, they’re nothing like they used to be one or two decades ago. 

As I sat in the research meetings, discussed and even directed research ideas over lunch, listened to the colloquium and informal chat in the afternoon, I felt comfortable in my skin. Comfortable and almost confident as a person, as a scientist, as a professional. 

This is coming at the right time. It’s good that it’s happening after having gathered so much diverse, often meandering, professional expertise and life experiences. It has toughened me up while also teaching me patience and kindness — I’ve learned to better balance firmness and gentleness towards myself as well as the world around me. And I’ve really come into myself so much more wholly, even as a non-binary trans person. And this means a lot. As I sat in all those research meetings and events yesterday, I felt fully myself, fully my trans self on top of scientist self and athlete self and all the rest. And that part of my identity, my being non-binary and feeling not simply okay with it but comfortable with it & empowered by it, is a huge plus, at least for me. I sat surrounded by mostly white cis-gender males (I assume and might be totally wrong in my assumption) but didn’t feel at all alien — I almost didn’t even feel in the minority. 

In just over two months (9 weeks) here I’ve found a place to live until at least next summer/fall, a job for the next couple years, and some very important communities: a trans community, a climbing community, and a professional/academic community. Basically the three main areas of my life and identity. 

In the two months here I’ve found more than what I found in over four years in California. 

For sure it has to do at least partly with my own mindset and attitude and approach: I’m more comfortable with myself, more confident and clear about my identity and priorities and goals now than half a dozen years ago or a decade ago. But it cannot be just me… 

There’s no bitterness, though. What I went through 10-15 years ago in Europe and for 5-6 years in California, apart from giving me some lovely moments, memories I treasure and lasting friendships, has taught me valuable lessons that are certainly helping me and shaping my life now. I’ve learnt about myself; I’ve learnt to take time for myself when I need it, to say “No”, if/when necessary, to “winter”. I’ve learnt to draw healthy boundaries without building hard walls. I’ve learnt to stop “knocking on closed doors” — may they be professional, romantic/sentimental, personal — knock once, try again, but if the door still doesn’t open, or opens and closes randomly, in unpredictable and/or painful ways, just walk away. Go find another door. Maybe one that is already open or, at least, ajar.

I guess that’s another huge lesson I’ve learnt: to know when it’s time to walk away and when, instead, it’s good to stay. 

A few months ago, with some very helpful external support, I decided to walk away, to take a leap of faith and try giving myself another chance. Now, it seems that the universe might be giving me another chance. So for now, I’m staying.