Is non-binary just an aesthetic?

Over the past few days, I’ve heard this question asked more than once, albeit in different ways.

It’s Trans Awareness Week and I’ve been participating in the events that are being locally organized (which is a wonderful and totally new experience to me in itself!).

Last night I went to one of the first events: a Q&A session open to anyone with some volunteer trans panelists. At a certain point, someone in the audience raised the question: “More than once, I have been told that, or asked whether, non-binary is just an aesthetic… How do I reply to that?”

As I heard the question, and then the panelists’ answers, being formulated, I realized how often I’ve also been told, or asked that same thing, albeit it in a different, sometimes more veiled way (and thus often more difficult to respond to).

As I’ve decided to try to move here for good and cannot stay with my host family forever, I’m looking for a new place to live, so I’ve been meeting more people and even having deep conversations for “communal living” situations with possible future housemates. In all of these cases, my non-binary/trans identity has been something I’ve made very clear from the beginning, explaining how important it is to me. And I’ve encountered respect and acceptance, at least on the face of it. But there’s a question that I was asked during the in-person house-meeting/interview a few days ago, that is nagging at me and feeling worse the more I think back to it – also thanks to the question raised last night, “Is non-binary just an aesthetic?”

At that in-person house-meeting/interview the other evening, I explained quite in detail how I felt: I had already had a long phone conversation with one of the possible future housemates and they were all very sweet, respectful, open-minded persons, so I felt safe sharing a little more than with other strangers or new acquaintances. I explained that I’m non-binary, that to put it simply I feel that “I’m a boy in a girl’s body“ and that it is extremely important for me that “they” pronouns be used when referring to me. I added, to make it very clear, that if I joined them and they were asked about who lives in the house, I would like the answer to be along the lines of “X men, Y women, and one non-binary person” (unless there were also other non-binary persons living in the house and who are “out”). They were totally fine with that; but then one of them asked me, “What if someone asks, ‘OK, but what is this non-binary’s person’s body? Is it male or female?’”. In that moment, the question just caught me off-guard and surprised me, but since then it has been feeling worse and worse. I feel it’s along the lines of the question “Is non-binary just an aesthetic?” with emphasis on that word, just, with a sort of discounting, almost derogative, or judgmental sense to it.

Now, the more I think of it and the more I let myself feel freely how that question from my possible future housemates affected me the other evening, I realize it really upset me. To me, it’s a prying question, it’s a violent question. I feel like whoever is asking such a question is basically asking, “OK but what does that person have inside his/her pants?” (Note: I purposefully ditched the correct “their” pronoun here!). That’s a horrible question: a question NO ONE should ever be asked: whether trans or cis, whether binary or non-binary, nobody should have to be asked about their genitals/sex, their color, their religion, their age, their orientations, unless they happily, explicitly give that info. Period.

So, HECK NO, non-binary is not just an aesthetic!

And what my body is, is my own business!