Pause

In the past week or two, as spring hasn’t been just knocking on winter’s door but actually shoving it open, I’ve found myself yearning for a little more winter – not only the astronomical or meteorological winter, but also the emotional “wintering”: a little more quiet, a little more stillness, a little more coziness inside protected by piles of snow outside.

I have been enjoying the warmer temperatures, the lighter snow that doesn’t require shoveling, the almost constant sunshine. I just would have needed a few more days, a couple more weeks of wintering – probably because I haven’t had it in so long and I know I won’t have it again for a while. It’s not just the winter season with winter sports, winter traditions, winter fun, winter issues – I’ll get plenty of all that if I really manage to move here. It’s the fact that this winter was particular, special for me because I’m on leave from work, because I have more free time to do my own things, to relax and recover, to explore and discover without having to rush: this is a window I was given, a precious pause in a comfortable and privileged situation that happens only very rarely, sometimes once in a lifetime (and for many people, never). And it’s been so good for me, so beneficial, clarifying, grounding, healing, and encouraging that maybe just a little more would have been nice.

Today I’m getting a moment’s pause, though: the warm, almost shameless sunshine of the past week or so has left space to a quietly convinced cloudy sky. Maybe even rain or snow – definitely snow up in the mountains. It’s one of those days where time seems to pause between winter and spring – not the former anymore, but not even the latter yet. Just a pause – maybe Nature catching its breath for a moment before rolling on again.

So I’ll take a pause today, too.

Yesterday, I rushed to make a deadline for the textbook I’m working on and was able to submit another chapter. Today I’ll pause before starting a new one. Pause in my search for a new place to live here. Pause in my job applications here. Catch up with various odds and ends that need to be done. Take care of myself and the cat. Enjoy the clouds – and the snow that has just started falling now!

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P.S.: I am so thankful for this grey weather! For the heavy clouds, for the snow/rain showers. For Chopin’s piano works: for the pleasure they’re giving me in listening to them again now as well as the sweet memories they bring. For this time to actually sit and relax and listen to this beautiful music. For this opportunity for self-care. For this pause within a pause.