Free solo

Early this morning, I did my first free solo ever! At least in climbing – in life, I guess I’ve been “free solo-ing” for a while now…  

A few days ago, when I went for the first time to a school here where I’m collaborating part-time, I met one of the PhD students and she helped me around. As we took our teas and pastries at the end of the line in the cafeteria, I instinctively managed to hold all my stuff (jacket, bag, beverage, snack) on my own, shifting objects between hands and even using my legs to hold things. And the grad student, a very acute and sweet person with whom I’d been chatting for over half an hour at that point, said: “You’re a very independent person, used to doing everything on your own, right?” – and then, smiling, “I could help you hold something”.

I guess I’ve gotten used to “free solo” a lot in my life, for better or for worse…

Today, I hiked/climbed the second Flatiron with a new friend here. And twisted my ankle really badly jogging a little stretch on the way up, before starting the climb. I knew it was hurt worse than the many times I’ve rolled an ankle while being on trails. But I was there, at the bottom of the Flatiron’s face and really wanted to climb it. My muscles were still warm and adrenaline was flowing through me, so the pain was still subdued.

We started to climb. My heart was already racing from the effort of the steep uphill hike worsened by my (hopefully temporary) hyperthyroidism symptoms. But once I was on the Flatiron’s face it was more like a question of survival. I could only climb upwards. No other option. Downclimbing would have been way worse. And my friend couldn’t carry me.  

“You’re killing it!”, he encouraged me from a few meters uphill. “Is this your first free solo?”, he asked. And when I replied in the affirmative, he was amazed: “That’s impressive – you’re so confident!”.

Well, I was confident because I had no other option, because I’ve gotten used to having to get through things on my own even when they hurt or scare me, or both. And this did scare me. Or would have scared me if I had stopped and thought or looked over my shoulder. But I didn’t. I just kept going. I was really enjoying it: this is the kind of fear and risk that I enjoy, that I like to push through because it brings me satisfaction and growth. I know I will have learned from this and next time I’ll simply enjoy the Second Flatiron with no fear. And then I might be ready for the Third or First Flatiron(s)… This morning, though, it was the awareness of having no choice but to climb upwards with my own hands and feet —  and the adrenaline – that kept me going. It’s amazing what adrenaline can do, and make us do. High heart rate, near-race effort, hunger, some pain, some fear – everything was gone in an almost-tunnel-like vision of making it with the upward climb. But apart from the adrenaline, I think there’s also a conditioning that comes from having gotten somewhat used to making it through tough spots with only one’s own strength, with no other option.

Survival mode —  and elation. I get why some people do this kind of thing at a much higher level as their life.

For me now, safely and cozily at home having made my first easy free solo, there’s just to hope that my ankle will heal soon enough…!