The body knows

The sun shone fiercely into my room this morning, pouring through the East-facing windows. 

Or so it seemed to me, after two mornings of muffled whiteness from the snowfall of the past couple days. 

I love listening to what my body needs, almost with the unselfconsciousness of some other animal, like the cat I’m looking after or my pet snake. They do what they feel the need to do, just listening to their bodies. And for a few months, I have the fortune to do the same. 

I was very sick in the past couple weeks, hardly able to do anything and leaving the house only to go to doctors visits. And, of course, no exercising at all! In the past, this would have driven me crazy, made me feel terribly frustrated and reignited my body-image issues, giving me a sense of guilt about eating if I didn’t exercise. This time was different. Maybe I’ve learned the lesson from being extremely sick with COVID two years ago. I just let my body do its thing. And gradually I’ve felt my health, my strength come back. Monday I felt an intense desire to swim: so I went to the pool and did laps for as long as my body could take it. Tuesday my body itched for a run, so that’s what I did: my first run in ten days and as I listened to my steps in the snowy fields I was actually able to do better than the last time I ran. But most importantly, I felt great after the run, after the swim. I didn’t overdo it, nor am I starving myself, as I might have done in the past. I eat when and whatever my body asks for it (embarrassingly healthy stuff most of the time anyway!). 

Yesterday we got a lot of snow. Tons of snow again. As early as 7 in the morning, it looked like it would be a “snow-in” day. So I pondered canceling my tattoo consultation appointment and just making a day of it working at home. But I felt an itch. Snow was falling thickly, the sky was low and heavy with grey-white clouds, visibility was reduced by the flakes swirling in the wind. And yet, the snow wasn’t sticking on the ground: I could drive to my errands safely enough. I’d be pushing my comfort zone but that was what I felt that I needed. It was an anxious drive to the tattoo parlor and then another anxious stretch to the bakery where I decided to pick up a couple muffins to pamper myself, almost as a prize for my bravery. But it was worth it. It was technically safe enough to drive. I would have regretted postponing my tattoo consultation and the muffins were delicious! 

Snow: enjoy it while you can. That was my thought, my feeling, as I came home, starving for a late lunch but itching to immerse myself in the white swirl and snowy fields. 

It was just a short walk, just a couple miles, in the snowy fields and below-freezing temperatures. Everything was white and quiet around me: the silence was absolute apart from the gentle howl of the wind and my crunchy steps. I couldn’t see the path in the fields but I know the way by now, so I just walked and walked, feeling my heart pumping, my legs and arms moving in synchrony, my warm breath meeting the freezing air, every inch of my body tingling from cold and excitement. 

I love this feeling of conditioning myself to the cold: both mentally, like driving in the snow in unfamiliar conditions, and physically, getting out there and exercising in the cold, enjoying the snow that I’ve missed for half a dozen years. 

This morning is slow. It feels like my body just wants to melt into the couch, like all my muscles would just want to let go. There’s no sense of sickness or sadness or lack of motivation: it’s just a need for relaxation, for slowing down, for enjoying this moment even if I’m doing nothing but sipping tea and petting the cat purring in my lap. I can tell that today I need to take it easy, so I will (despite the errands I must go on).

Listen to the body: the body knows. This is also part of conditioning: coaxing my body (& soul) back to health and tranquility.

I know this is privilege. This break is a gift. And as such, I’ll make the best of it.