Promises

At 5am I woke up to pee, as I often do in the wee hours of the night or early morning. But this time, I didn’t go straight back to bed, despite my tiredness. The moon was full last night. And we had just had an abundant snow fall throughout the afternoon and evening. I had been waiting for such a coincidence of events for a couple weeks, at least, looking forward to the beautiful shine of the full moon on the pure white expanse blanketing everything. And last night I saw it. Even if only through the big front windows of the house because, unfortunately, I was truly too tired to get dressed and go out for a walk at that time. But I promised myself that if I get another full moon on a clear night over a beautiful expanse of snow like last night, I’m going to go out for a walk in it. I might even be able to do it this evening before going to sleep… 

Nevertheless, the promise of the snow storm ending by 5am and leading up to a clear night in perfect synchrony with the return of the full moon — that promise was held and I was able to enjoy it. 

Another promise was held last night. One to myself that I made in summer of 2016, about six months after moving from Europe to California, and that I sealed with a ring that I still always wear. I promised myself that I would never again put myself in the conditions of having to make an important life decision influenced by a romantic partner or romantic feelings in a way that would be limiting of my own identity or deepest needs/dreams. Which effectively meant, and means, that if there were someone for whom I feel in a strong, special, or romantic way in a moment of my life when I actually need to work on personal issues of my own and/or make an important decision along my path for which I need to reflect on my own, I would ask that person to wait. 

And last night I did it. I asked my dear non-binary friend back in California who would have wanted to visit me here already in two or three weeks to wait. I also told them that I’m scared; that I would like to see them but need some extra time and space on my own now; that this decision is also hard for me and scary because I’m afraid of losing their friendship if I ask them to wait. And they replied that I wouldn’t lose their friendship, that it’s always okay to take time. 

I really hope they mean it. I’ll have to take the risk anyway. A lot went unsaid, at least on my part, a lot that I wish I had said, or had said differently. So I might write them a letter. I don’t really know how they feel about me and our friendship. There might have been a lot left in between the lines in our conversation last night, or not. Nevertheless, I kept my promise to myself, I followed my gut feeling, and despite this being a very scary and lonely decision for me, I know this is what I need to do for my own good (as well as the other person’s) right now. 

Here and now.