Sadness

I’m feeling terribly sad. 

I’ve been feeling sad in a sort of cosmic, unfathomable, maybe existential way for the past few days. And also afraid. But mostly sad. 

Last night, as I watched the end of the movie “Don’t look up” with my host family, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks, and it felt like such a relief. I would feel the need to cry some more, to be held safely and warmly and cry. But I cannot manage.

I love it here and I’m feeling physically well and even mentally much better than just a few weeks ago in California. When I go running or hiking on trails or even driving down the roads here, I feel like I’m in a different state of consciousness or a different person or a different version of me from California. Maybe that’s why I’m sad, because every change also entails some loss?

I don’t know why I’m feeling so cosmically, so existentially sad. Or, rather, I can see many different reasons for being sad and/or afraid, but I think the true reason is buried deeper and thus harder for me to see at the moment. All I can put into words for now is this feeling of deep, deep sadness, like a bottomless ocean, dark and unfathomable — somehow quiet and yet holding some turmoil in its lonely depths.