Storm of Emotions

My emotions are all over the place. After the snow storm on Tuesday & Wednesday, today I experienced a storm of emotions.

I spent my first week here in Colorado alone in my host family’s huge house while they were still away —house-sitting for them and totally enjoying the solitude. I hadn’t felt so happy and peaceful and grounded in ages as during this week spent alone here in Colorado, enjoying this therapeutic winter on my own and yet not feeling lonely. I was enjoying this solitude so much that I was even a little concerned about having only one week before my host family came back — my “host mom” got back today, the rest are arriving tomorrow. I was also a little worried that my non-binary/queer gender identity might be an issue in some ways (when I was here last summer I was still coming into myself and hadn’t officially come out, yet). 

This morning, I was a little anxious while cleaning up and putting everything in order in the house and trying to prepare it as clean and neat as possible for my “host mom”. And then, I got on the road early because of all the snow we got in the past couple days — I worried about getting to the airport on time, blablabla. 

So I got to the airport stressed out already. 

Then, I walked into the terminal to wait for my friend at “Arrivals”, and started feeling more and more uncomfortable at each step. I haven’t been in an airport, not even near an airport, in more than two years, since January 2020 just pre-pandemic. And I have been avoiding places, especially indoor spaces, with many people almost completely. So being around relatively lost of persons in a place that is effectively indoors and that tends to be big and confusing and bustling regardless of COVID made me feel very uncomfortable, like an animal in a totally unfamiliar and even threatening place. And then I started noticing how many people were not wearing masks, or were wearing them below their nose, despite the mask mandate. That’s when panic started building up. First it felt like anger, actually, fury. I was besides myself with anger that there should be persons disregarding the rules and no one there to enforce the rules. I’m still almost shaking from anger now: who are they to decide that they are above the rules and can ignore the mask mandate and walk around with their face uncovered and maybe even talking in a group of friends?!? Who the hell did they think they are?!??? 

But besides, or underneath, the fury, there was also fear in me. Not so much fear from getting sick, at this point; but rather that fear that stems from being in an unfamiliar situation that feels threatening precisely because it’s so unfamiliar… I’ve gotten totally unused to being around so many strangers… I had to wait for my friend for over half an hour and by the time she called me to let me know where exactly I should meet her, I was in tears, on the verge of breaking down from what really was a panic attack. All I could say when we met was, “Let me help you with your suitcase — I need to get outside immediately”. If we hadn’t met up then & there, I would have sat down and cried and cried and cried. It was her matter-of-fact affection that helped me get myself together and calm down and drive us both home. 

That’s when the next part of overwhelming emotions started — fortunately positive ones, this time. It was wonderful to see my “host mom” again and it was just so delightfully evident that she was happy to see me, too, and grateful to be able to talk with me. Although rationally I know we enjoy each other’s company and my host family has repeatedly stated that they are delighted to have me around any time, in the past six months my heart had forgotten what it actually feels like to be with them — how familiar and comfortable and warm. And then, there was a brief moment when my “host mom” was on the phone confirming that we had gotten home safely and in naming me she not only called me by my gender-neutral nickname instead of my (gendered) full-name, as she used to until the summer, but she also phrased a sentence about me to make it gender-neutral. Honestly, I cannot remember exactly how much I’ve told my host family about my coming out — I think I had told them only about my gender-neutral nickname, thinking that I’d tell them the rest when I saw them this winter. But the fact that my “host mom”, whose native language is not English and is actually a very gendered langue, the fact that she seems to be much more receptive to the topic than I thought she might be… this is a huge relief and an additional warm feeling to my heart. 

And just sitting on the couch and chatting with her was so lovely… it reminded me of how well I felt here last summer, of why I’m back here now even when my host family is around, and in general how good it feels to be around people whom we like and who like us back.