Why am I leaving?

Why am I leaving here? 

This question has been popping into my mind quite often in the past few days. 

The nice, sunny & mild weather, the gorgeous sunsets over the ocean and the walks at the beach; the ocean in the full moon — and being able to enjoy most of these with friends and with one close friend in particular; all the friends and acquaintances and climbing buddies I have here, whose affection and love or, at least, sincere enjoyment in having me around, I can now see & feel so clearly; even my boss’s coming around and showing how much I’m valued at my job… Why am I leaving all this? 

I’m so scared of regretting this move, of losing so much that I have built and found here, of not finding it again in another place or even here if I decide to return here… 

So why am I leaving, despite this fear and despite all these positive, even wonderful aspects? 

I am leaving because I am still burned out by my job and in need of growth in ways that my current professional position cannot provide me without a change of some kind — and what change precisely I need to find out, even by moving away. 

I am leaving because I need to understand what my true motivation or drive or dreams in life are: what career do I really want and why? Do I really want to teach, and if so, why? Do I really want to do more research, and if so, why? 

I am leaving because I need to step away from this particular school that triggers so much in me, often stirring emotions too intense for me to function in a healthy, sustainable way. 

I am leaving in order to finally leave behind me certain aspects and persons from the last chunk of 2-3 years here. 

I am leaving so I can finally stop looking for a certain person and a particular white pick-up truck at the climbing gym. 

I am leaving so I can admire the sunsets, walk at the beach and in the park, go bouldering outdoors wholly enjoying those places and moments for myself and with true friends who are present in my life now, without being haunted by a ghost. 

I am leaving so I can understand how much I truly love this place, or not, and why. 

I am leaving in order to allow myself to fall in love freely & unburdened again, to fall in love with places (old & new) and people and experiences. 

Although I don’t necessarily have to, I am leaving because I choose to do so now.