Afraid of being happy?

Sunset. For the remainder of today I’m going to relax and celebrate in a quiet, cozy way. 

So much has happened in the past two or three weeks. Several intense and extremely painful incidents that reopened old wounds and/or triggered trauma. But in the end also — and probably especially — positive outcomes. Several important issues in my life, professional and practical as well as personal, have found a resolution, offering me a much brighter outlook on the next months and even year(s). And at a deep emotional level, in the past couple weeks, I have been experiencing growth and changes so intense and radical that they feel like a “Copernican revolution of the soul”. 

In the past week I feel like I’ve matured or grown emotionally by a whole decade — in a positive sense. And I’m still reeling from it. It somehow feels so scary. Somehow I’m better at — or feel more comfortable with — dealing with struggles and problems than with things going smoothly or my “wishes coming true”. It’s as if I were constantly in “problem-solver mode” or as if the phrase “be careful what you wish for — it might actually happen” were always haunting me… 

I guess I have a constant underlying fear of not deserving or of jinxing things when they go the way I was hoping… 

Why?