… this is how…!

This morning, my friend’s image of “sproutiness” is more vivid and appropriate than ever. And what makes it even lovelier is that today it’s connected not only to myself but also to this person I’ve been getting close with in the past five months or so: the non-binary climbing buddy who’s become a very dear friend and whom I like in ways that I’ve never experienced before. 

The feeling of “sproutiness” and shiny hope connected to this particular relationship is due to the fact that for the first time in years I am, at last, feeling some “special”, deeper connection or attraction to a person who isn’t in some way a priori “unavailable”. 

Whether the friendship with this particular person gets stronger or weaker with to my move to Colorado, whether it remains platonic or turns into something also romantic/physical/sexual, I have no idea, and at this point doesn’t really matter. Of course, I hope we won’t lose touch when I move to Colorado — I hope our friendship can continue to blossom despite the geographical distance or practical obstacles. I will always treasure this friendship, the experiences I’ve been having with this person since this past August and feel fortunate for having met them, particularly at this time of my life (for many reasons!). 

This already is wonderful and huge. But on top of it, I also see — I feel deeply inside me and see clearly — that I am acting and relating differently with this person than with other people to whom I’ve felt attracted in the past years: I’m acting and relating in a much healthier way. And it’s partly thanks to them, to their maturity, to their availability, to their being “ready/available” for closeness without being needy; but it’s also partly due to my own growth and to the corners I’ve decided to turn. 

This is wonderful and feels so good!

Now I know how I want a partner relationship to feel for me, if I ever have one again.

I want it to feel like this relationship with this non-binary climbing friend: being adventure buddies and sharing lots of different fun activities together but also leaving each other space; having closeness and accountability without being stifling or overbearing; openness and honesty without being nosy; caring without being jealous; spontaneous ease in being together and doing things together but also respect and ease in facing possible conflict. And on top of it all, no fixed gender roles!