New Life resolution

OK, I’m done. 

This is not simply a “New Year’s resolution”, it’s a “New Life resolution”, very appropriately coming when I’m getting ready to move out of California and try Colorado. 

A few good friends of mine have more than once told me, “You’re awesome”, “You’re a super cool person”, “You are a diamond and whoever finds you finds a treasure”. They’ve usually told me this kind of thing in moments when I was struggling or feeling really low and/or lonely. I’ve always been grateful to them for saying such things to me and I’m sure that their encouraging and supportive words have helped me through many rough spots. But I never deeply “believed” those lovely words — I never felt “awesome” or “super cool” or like a “diamond” really profoundly. Until today. 

Today I finally absorbed it: “I am awesome”! And I am done wasting this awesomeness on people who cannot wholly engage with it, for their own personal reasons or limits. 

Yes, I have so many qualities and skills, and I have achieved so much. 

But I am also very bad at romantic relationships. I have had the tendency almost my whole adult life to get into romantic or “special” relationships that drain me, in which I am trying to “save” the other person or often “putting up with” far too much, in one way or another. In me, I have all this light, this bright energy, this enthusiasm; but then it’s like I’m afraid of letting my light shine through fully or scared of releasing and following its full potential — my full potential. 

What happened yesterday evening was the last straw — “the feather that broke the camel’s back”. But I’ve learned to use pain and anger to bounce back, stronger.

So that’s it, I’m done: from now on, I’m not going to get into romantic or “special” relationships that stifle me or drain me. I’m going to stop trying to save or baby-sit these guys. 

From now on, I’m going to seek — or allow closeness with — only persons who can take my brightness and reflect it back to me and radiate it out to the world together with me, while I do the same with their light.