I hate the holidays!

The holidays, especially the days around Christmas, have always been a nightmare to me. 

As a child growing up in my nuclear family, Christmas was stressful and painful for me for two reasons: on the one hand, my mother wanted to reiterate all the lavish “gift-opening ceremony” under the tree, etc. from her rich childhood, while my father couldn’t take it because of his own traumatic Christmas memories connected to poverty in his childhood, causing tensions and even fights between my parents which were very painful for me; on the other hand, I had to put up with unwrapping loads of gifts (which felt like such a waste to me, in the first place) that I didn’t like or want, that didn’t reflect me or my wishes at all, making me feel more and more misunderstood and unseen by my parents, which was of course also very painful, especially because I had to pretend, at least to a certain extent, that I liked them or I had to find very tactful ways of expressing my dislike… which is stressful for a child/teenager. 

Then, the more I grew up, the more Christmas became a boring, stressful and even constricting obligation that I had to fulfill with my nuclear family and then, eventually, even with my partner(s) at the time and their family… a real tour de force that felt like a nightmare.

The first really nice, enjoyable, even wonderful Christmas I had was my first Christmas here in California, in December 2016: I spent it almost completely on my own, enjoying a beautiful day out in the sunshine, walking and taking pictures at the beach, before seeing some friends for dinner, and then cat-sitting for other friends who were away traveling and were letting me stay in their beautiful house. It was such a liberating feeling that year! And also warm and lovely thanks to the relaxing cat-sitting in a gorgeous house and having some friends around me. 

But then, the holidays have gone back to being the most stressful time of year for me. Not as bad as when I was living in Europe, since the main source of stress and pain — visiting with my nuclear family — has been eliminated for a few years, at least for now. But it’s a time of year when my loneliness gets terribly exacerbated, especially since the pandemic. The holidays last year were particularly tough — but I’m sure they were so for many other people, too, unfortunately. 

This year Christmas is turning out to be very painful for me, too, though — to the point that, as I was driving home from the climbing gym this evening, I thought to myself, “I hate the holidays”! I have this impression that everyone I know has a family of their own or housemates with whom they live and with whom they can share this weekend celebrating and/or relaxing in one way or another that they enjoy, sharing the enjoyment — everyone I know except for me…

I think my feelings are even more exacerbated this year by a sort of “perfect storm”: there is the usual sense of “momentary loss of purpose or meaning” due to the semester ending made worse now by the uncertainty of next semester; on top of this, there’s my upcoming move to Colorado, with all the difficult emotions connected to that and with my mind dwelling on that most of the time now (even because of the semester having ended and thus not occupying my mental space as much); then, there’s this awful weather, super rainy (I know we need it, but it’s a drag!) and cold, which means I cannot get distracted by enjoying any outdoor activities; and finally, so many of the people at my beloved climbing gym seem to have left, as if there had been a sudden change of shift, so one of the places where I’m spending a lot of my free time is feeling less familiar and less friendly to me than it used to, which adds to all the rest of the loneliness and sadness. 

At the end of the day, I guess I just hate the sense of “obliged festivity” at this time of year and it hurts to not have anyone really close, living with me, with whom I can spend this downtime, this time off, in a way that we could truly enjoy together, sharing the enjoyment…