Inner compass

For the past couple weeks, there’s been an underlying profound sadness in me. Other feelings and emotions have been able to come through as well but the sadness has been there consistently in these weeks and sometimes has been particularly intense, sharp. 

Sadness and some fear. 

I know very well, see and feel very clearly, that this emotional state is due to my upcoming move. With the semester ending and my actual move quickly approaching, my mind as well as my actions are turning more frequently, with a keener awareness, to the FACT: I AM LEAVING THIS PLACE AND CHANGING LOTS OF THINGS IN MY LIFE. AGAIN. 

I know I need to do this now. I need a “writing retreat” — as a friend of mine wisely pointed out yesterday. I “just want to walk by myself in the woods covered in snow and write my textbook” — as I blurted out to another friend last night, almost in a flow of consciousness. “It’s time for me to grow” (not to “grow up”, but to “grow”!) — as I found myself thinking to myself while I was still half asleep this morning. 

I am heartbroken and feeling stuck here, despite all the lovely friends I’ve finally made and the beautiful places and fun activities: I know I’ll miss all of this, and this is why I’m so sad and scared. 

But I also know that when I’m heartbroken and feeling stuck, I need to go, to physically leave: I need to put geographical distance between myself and a place to overcome a deep heartbreak. And often I also need to make a geographical change to recenter myself and to grow. 

… So I guess that all I can do now is follow my instinct, trust this gut-feeling knowledge and also rational certainty, without overthinking, just remembering one of my favorite quotes (that now feels so pertinent but also so scary): 

On ne découvre pas de terre nouvelle sans consentir à perdre de vue, d’abord et longtemps, tout rivage. [André Gide]

{One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight, for a very long time, of the shore.}

In a sense it feels like I’m setting sail in a fog bank, hoping the weather will be better out at sea. Which sounds a little crazy. But as sailors, we also know that it can be true, so I’ll just have to trust and set sail…!