One cannot overestimate the importance of affirmation.
This morning, I had a brief, intake phone-call with a counselor from my medical insurance company to help with “stress management” and it went so much better than I would have expected. It was only 20-minutes long and mostly about getting to know my situation, so I explained the main details. It wasn’t easy for me, it was quite upsetting because it went to stir a lot of emotionally hard stuff. But after listening, the counselor made a few comments that really brought me a sense of both deep relief and strong empowerment. They said something along the following lines: “That is, indeed, very traumatic and stressful and a terrible amount to bear”; “It sounds like your situation has put you in a constant anxiety mode — you’ve had to be constantly in ‘fight or flight’ mode, and that’s terribly stressful”.
That’s all true, although I’ve hardly been able to word it so clearly or explicitly myself — a few times I did at the beginning and got gaslighted by some old friends who are supposed to be wiser and partly like mentors to me, which really hurt. But yes, I have been feeling like a “hunted animal” for nearly three years now, already pre-pandemic for some of the circumstances, and to have that so explicitly acknowledged by a professional was wonderful: a huge relief as well as sweet empowerment for me.
Then, I was asked what gives me joy in my life. Here came a long list on my side — and the counselor reflected this back to me, which was nice — but there also came the realization that because of my “constant anxiety” or “fight or flight” mode, many of the things that used to bring me joy in a calm relaxing way are not accessible to me at the moment, and haven’t been for a long while — which is sad.
Finally, the counselor asked me what brings me relief in my daily life and here I could hardly find an answer at all: I have almost no sources of relief. No sources of relief: no wonder I’m stressed out, in “constant anxiety” or “fight or flight” mode! And here I felt compassion for myself, in the way I would for a dear friend who’s struggling: and I think this twinkle of self-love is wonderful, too.
As I journaled earlier this morning, I wrote about taking good care of myself and loving myself. Then, I took a nice warm shower and a long-needed shampoo, getting my hair to look glorious again and thus helping me to feel better with myself.
I know that anxiety and depression can be the two sides of one same coin and that I’m battling with the symptoms of both, now and then. But there are also days like today, when a shampoo, some important affirmations, some good music and running errands in the sunshine can dispel the clouds.
The Little Prince and the Fox 