Sex & Gender

Today I had an interesting experience: I went to the gynecologist for the first time since coming out as non-binary. 

I’ve never had a problem about going to the gynecologist. It never felt uncomfortable or embarrassing. It was just a matter-of-fact thing that needed to be done, just like the yearly physical exam and teeth cleaning: something necessary for my bodily health and safety. 

But with the increased awareness of my non-binary/trans gender identity, something is shifting more in general in the way I perceive myself with respect to sex, gender, and certain situations.

Since puberty I’ve had some form or other of body-image issue, mostly along the lines of being “psychologically anorexic”, mainly kept under control through intense exercise. Recently, though, with the emerging awareness of my non-binary/trans gender identity and simply with the availability of a vocabulary to express how I feel, I have realized that my body-image issues stemmed precisely from having a deeply-felt non-binary/trans gender identity in a binary society/culture. Fortunately, however, I have never really hated the female aspects of my body connected to sexuality or reproduction: the only female sexual characteristic with which I struggled for most of my life is one of the so-called secondary sexual characteristics (a little layer of fat on my thighs) and I have never felt the need to change my body into a male one. 

Or maybe I should say I had never really considered the idea. Most of the time it’s been sufficient for me to express my masculine gender (that I’ve always felt) through clothing and haircuts, stance and behavior — partly also thanks to my androgynous body shape. But lately I’ve been wondering… how would I feel if I had a male body, as in male sexual characteristics, rather than female? Would that align more with my internal gender identity? Or is it a thought I’m having because I’m struggling to be perceived by the world around me as a the boy that I feel I am?