I used to love my job, really love it, and I know that I used to bring that love into the classroom while teaching physics and the students felt it and benefited from it and reflected it back to me. The three semester from Fall 2018 through Fall 2019 were particularly gratifying — quite wonderful. Almost magical. But then something broke. The magic is gone.
The pandemic put everything on hold for three semesters and going back into the classroom this Fall I was hoping some of the magic would come back for me. I knew it would never be as before, as “pre-pandemic”, and it’s definitely better than teaching online; but it’s still broken for me. Because the circumstances have changed since the year 2019, but also I have changed A LOT since then. I’m almost a whole other person.
It really feels like the end of a relationship. I’m feeling in a similar way to how I felt towards the end of one of my longest romantic relationships, when I couldn’t feel any magic at all anymore, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, when “coming into myself” or just evolving as myself was at odds with the other person in the relationship. But still I tried and hoped and persevered, wondering what had gone wrong, what I might have done wrong, how I could fix it, feeling guilty for not feeling the love or magic anymore, and feeling guilty for not being able to fix it.
I am feeling in a very similar way about my job now.
I am not the same person as two or three years ago. The circumstances around me have also changed and the opportunities and limitations in this specific job are much more clear and evident to me now.
Should I still hope and persevere? Should I still try to “fix” things here? Or is it time for me to go?
Is being unhappy and feeling that something is broken, or that the magic is gone, enough of a reason to leave?
And why should I feel guilty, anyway, if I feel differently towards my job from how I felt two or three years ago???
The Little Prince and the Fox 