In the end, today turned out better than I was expecting — as the simple fact that I’m showing up on the page and writing here shows.
My “to-do” list not only got me through my day, but I even managed to get more done and in a better spirit than expected. The sun coming out of the clouds this afternoon and my being able to go for a run helped. And I managed to get more prep work done and felt less anxious/stressed about it than I was this morning.
I’m still tired, though, and the thought of going to school tomorrow is tough. It gets harder almost by the day.
I used to love teaching, and I still enjoy being in the classroom and transmitting concepts of some of my favorite topics to the students, explaining, answering questions, sometimes maybe even inspiring extra curiosity in some of them. But every evening & morning before school I dread the idea of having to go in. I enjoy those two hours in the classroom, as I get lost in the moment, teaching; and I truly enjoy re-reading the topics and preparing the lessons, especially since I’m teaching some of my favorite topics (fortunately!) — at least when I have the time to do so without being in a rush or stressed out. But most of the time I feel overwhelmed, carrying a huge burden, overshadowed by tiredness and the thought “I can’t do this anymore”. It’s taking me so much more of an effort than it used to in the past — in the past, it didn’t feel like an effort at all, actually! Now it feels mostly like a burden with some brief, rare moments of lightening up.
So this effort or fatigue with respect to teaching is one of my main feelings now.
The other one is the desire to be a boy. I don’t know in what sense, exactly. All I know is that the other main thought that goes through my head very often now is, “I want to be a boy”.
The Little Prince and the Fox 