You know those moment when the Universe seems to be pointing clearly in one direction for you?
Well, I feel like that might be happening to me now.
I’m an atheist, or maybe a “spiritual or naturalistic or universal atheist”. Anyway, I certainly don’t believe in any God or destiny. But sometimes it feels like all events around us seem to point or lead in some direction, maybe toward something that we’ve been pondering for a while and all of a sudden that “something” could become real, more than a dream or fantasy, and we’re faced with the real decision of “do we go for it or not?”.
And now I could have the chance to go and stay in Colorado, with my friends/host family where I stayed and had such a wonderful, healing time this past summer: I could go stay there anytime as early as this December through all of next summer…
The thought of asking them for hospitality for a few months had already been playing through my head for a while now, maybe even months, but I was envisioning it happening after next summer, as of autumn 2022, after wrapping up the academic year and a few other practical things here. However, they actually invited me to stay at their place now.
It all happened this week. First, at the beginning of the week, I got an email from my supervisor for next Spring 2022 semester which entails a worsening of my work conditions to the limit of making them unsustainable for me. This of course caused anger, frustration, disappointment and even concern; but from the practical viewpoint it only confirmed or anticipated frustrations and concerns I already had about my current professional position lacking growth opportunities and being unsustainable for me for much longer: it basically transformed this “much longer” into “next spring”. Then, on Wednesday, in one of my rare phone conversations with my parents, my father spontaneously, out of the blue, reminded me of some financial funds available to me that he could send me anytime, if I needed extra money (I hadn’t mentioned anything, I swear!). Then yesterday, I talked to my PhD advisor (who has known me and been one of my most important mentors for over a decade) and was telling him about my professional frustrations and concerns, including the fact that I’m overworked and stifled so I cannot pursue a professional project which really interests me (and for which I have signed an agreement outside of school); and he said to me, “Can’t you go stay with someone — family, friends — for a few months, so you don’t have to worry about rent, take time off from work this spring and summer, and just focus on that other project of yours and get your textbook published, which will provide you with the satisfaction and professional growth that you need?”. And finally, yesterday afternoon, my friend/host in Colorado called me to tell me they will be traveling back and forth between Colorado and Europe for the next six months and asked me if by chance I’d like to stay at their place to house-sit while they’re away, working from there, and just being all of us together when they’re here in the U.S.?
All of this after months of troubles and concerns with my current living situation, that is unsustainable in the long run and will have to change for sure by next summer at the latest (I have to move out by then).
Doesn’t this all look like the arrow is pointing me to Colorado for the next months?
It feels like things are opening up for me there, even if only temporarily, while getting harsher for me here…
As a real adventurer, I am ready to pack my bags and go in January.
However, I have three concerns.
Firstly, my friends here. I have a couple of lovely old friends here as well as some wonderful new friendships I’ve been building over the past few months and which all mean so much to me… I’d really miss them.
Then, there are two practical aspects. On one hand, quitting my current teaching job between semesters isn’t ideal: no matter how soon and diplomatically and professionally I do it, it would probably entail never returning to teach at this particular school, or at least not teaching some of the fun, interesting courses I have built up to in these past four years. And I would have no idea of where I would be working as of next fall, no idea of where I’d be living even. So if I take this step now, I need to accept the idea that I’m leaving a lot of certainties behind (no matter how frustrating or stifling or unsustainable they might be) and heading into BIG uncertainty. On the other hand — last but not least! —, there’s the practical aspect of benefits, especially my health insurance: although my current job pays an unsustainably wage, it does offer me good benefits, including a good health insurance. If I quit my job, or am unemployed as of January, what happens to my health insurance? Would I have to pay a health insurance all out of pocket, while not earning any money, for at least six months, maybe more — and without a new job lined up anywhere in the near future? Is that sustainable, or even reasonable, for me to do???
So am I pondering a leap of faith, here, or a crazy jump off a cliff???
The Little Prince and the Fox 