This boy that is me

In the past months, since this spring, a sentence that has often rung in my ears or run through my head, and that I’ve felt very deeply, has been “This boy in me”. 

Lately, this has become, “This boy that is me”, as in “This boy that I am”. 

This boy that has waited years, almost my entire life, to come out, to be seen, acknowledged, understood… even by my own self. 

This is my priority now: letting this boy that is me be. Letting him come out and express himself entirely and just enjoy being himself. 

I keep getting caught up in thoughts and concerns about my next professional step, my career, my goals… But this is my true goal now. This is why no matter how much I try and force myself to focus on work and career, the main thing I really want to do (and end up dedicating lots of time to) is intense exercise: to get into my body, to connect with the boy in me, to let my physical strength come out and show itself, visibly, even to me. To look at myself in the mirror and see the boy I am. 

There are aspects of wonderful self-discovery and empowerment in all this but also a huge amount of loss: all those years that boy was not allowed to be. 

And now that I am feeling this loss together with the desire to shout out loud, “See this boy!!!”, now that I am experiencing symptoms of depression from all the loss but also deeper feelings of self-awareness and grounded happiness — now I think I’m getting really close to understanding the depression and body-image issues that non-binary/trans persons often experience … now I think I’m feeling it on, or under, my own skin… 

I tend to rush. And even now I wish I could fix this already and move on with the practical things in my life. But I cannot rush it — as my counselor wisely reminded me this morning. I need to give myself, this boy, as much time as I — and he — need(s). 

Slow down and just be.