Was is it that always makes me feel so giddy after going out with this non-binary climber that I like? Is it just that I like them so much? And/or that they’re the first non-binary person that I’ve ever liked so much?
Or is it that in some ways they — and the interactions with them — remind me so much of the “boulderer” & the times I went out with him?
They are completely different persons — yet, in some ways they’re similar — for instance, they’re both very good boulderers (climbers who prefer and are better at bouldering that rope-climbing, while I’m much more confident on rope)… And they both seek me out, keep up the connection with me in a way that is friendly and pleasant and showing interest but also unclear — it could be interest as “just friends” or “something more” (expressions I very much dislike but that are “standard” and hard to “translate”). I don’t know in what way, for what reason exactly they enjoy hanging out with me — as I didn’t with the boulderer. And in both cases, I feel some deeper interest and attraction to them — an emotion that makes me feel vulnerable.
And after the misunderstandings or confusion or “mixed levels of relationships” with the boulderer, I now feel much less confident with this other person I like because I’m double-guessing myself: what if I’m getting carried away just as I did before and I get burned again? What if I ruin the relationship? What if I make a mistake, again?
Yesterday evening, this special climbing friend (this “new boulderer”)&I went climbing together and then out for dinner — and it was such a lovely Friday night! One of my best Friday nights in a long time. But what if it wasn’t so special for them? What if it means so much more to me than to them? I don’t want to get hurt again…
The Little Prince and the Fox 