At a loss

I’m really upset (and have been for a while now). 

I’m angry. And sad. And also feeling lost. 

My job doesn’t pay the bills. Nothing much new about this, I guess — unfortunately, there’s plenty of people in the world who would say the same (and many more who are in truly dire conditions). 

But I am going to indulge myself and write about my personal anger and sadness here. 

I am angry and sad that my job — a job that is super important to society (teaching), that I love, that I put my heart & soul into, and that according to everyone I’m very good at — doesn’t pay my bills. 

I have a PhD in the subject I teach (Physics); I’m fluent in five languages; I have international experience working in the industry as well as academia, including doing research on top of teaching — and I can’t pay my bills. 

Why can’t I pay my bills? 

Because I haven’t followed the “standard, beaten path” — for anything. I didn’t go for tenure-track positions. I didn’t stay in jobs paying the big bucks in the industry. I refuse to work 80-hour weeks. So I can’t pay the bills. Because I live in a place where overwork is one of the highest values and marks of “success” (however ‘success’ may be defined). Because I live in a place where education isn’t valued — on the contrary, it’s probably feared because it would free people’s minds and subvert the status quo. 

I know there are places where my situation would be even worse, where education is valued even less —  as there are places where my job would be valued and paid very highly. 

But I wanted to live here. I loved it here. I thought I had found home here, at last. But now I don’t know anymore. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. 

All I know is that my situation isn’t sustainable anymore. That at the end of this school-year, come next summer, something substantial needs to have changed, or to be underway, for me. But I don’t know in what way. 

I’m at a loss — angry and sad and feeling lost.