“To-do” lists

“Stay grounded, baby, stay grounded”. 

I repeat this sentence to myself often lately. 

There are days I feel as grounded as an old, wise oak tree — so grounded I’m amazed at myself. 

And then there are days when I feel like the tiniest, lightest twig carried all over the place by the scary powerful current of a rushing river spilling over a broken dam. On these days I often feel like I might literally fall apart, like I can hardly hold myself, my pieces, together. 

These are the days when I need to repeat to myself to “stay grounded”: to just breathe in and breathe out; take one step at a time; to just do the next thing that really, practically needs to be done — work for the next day, wash the dishes, wash myself, prepare my meal, take care of my pet snake. 

It’s grief. A grief so old and deep that it feels like a black hole that might swallow me whole. Something has finally given, broken open, like a dam, a door, a portal, inside my soul, and grief is gushing out like a powerful, often out-of-control river. In the past few weeks, there have been moments when I’ve been totally overwhelmed and tears, sometimes sobs, have poured out of me — painful but also incredibly relieving and somehow sweet. 

Boy, there’s something so old coming out, it’s almost unfathomable… how did I even keep it in there for so long?!? 

But then I need to come back to my “here & now”, to live and function in the present moment. That’s when my “to-do” lists are coming in handy. I’m often writing them in the morning, instead of journaling, and then going through them, checking off items as I get them done during the day. That helps me stay grounded, especially when the storm of emotions threatens to erupt any moment. 

– “Prep lesson for Wednesday”: check; 

– “Post on Craigslist”: check; 

– “Call cleaners”: check; 

– “Feed pet snake”: check. 

So grounding…  

Breathe in, breathe out: “Stay grounded, baby, stay grounded”.