… And this weekend, there’s a particular “thank you” that I’d like to say to my artist&swimmer friend.
Thank you for the lovely Saturday afternoon we spent together; for the books you gave me; for listening to me and sharing your own feelings and experiences with me.
And thank you also for naming “it”: PTSD. Thank you for saying that it seems like it’s PTSD that is being triggered in/for me, because I finally felt that I was being truly heard and validated, I finally felt a true, profound affirmation.
Recently, I already started writing that some specific situations (and maybe one person in particular) have been triggering old trauma for me or rubbing against old wounds of mine. I’ve also started pondering the idea of doing some therapy or working with a counselor again. But I wasn’t really sure in what direction to seek and I also had a bit of the “impostor syndrome” as I felt that maybe “I wasn’t truly traumatized” or “I wasn’t traumatized enough” — whatever that may mean! So I was sort of stuck: feeling that, despite the huge and often wonderful strides forward and growth in me over the past five or six years, I’m still struggling with some issues that I cannot solve on my own or that I take forever to get over (at least, in other persons’ perspectives); feeling the need for some type of specific guidance or professional support, but not knowing what type to seek, or not feeling “traumatized enough” to actually start working with someone specialized in trauma.
But now I feel unstuck.
I’ve known for a decade that I have abandonment issues. I’ve known for years that this has been interfering with many of my close relationships. And I haven’t really hidden it from the persons who are close to me. But it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve started having the courage (here’s the courage theme, once again!) to actually use the word “trauma” — and that’s been a positive and important step forward already. But to have someone else, a good friend and wise, well-balanced person that I trust, say it and reflect it back to me — for me that was the ultimate affirmation that I needed. It gave me a wonderful moment of healing yesterday afternoon; and it’s also given me the final kick, or clarity, that I needed to seek support in moving forward, for my “next right step”. Now I know what support to seek, now I know what to do, I see the path. I somehow see the solution, because for me being able to name the “monster”, having words or a name for the issue, is already half of the solution. So yeah, let’s name it! This is PTSD that I’m dealing with.
To feel heard and to see the solution — boy, that’s a wonderful combination! And it all came on a sunny Saturday afternoon with some outdoor swimming and ice-cream with a friend: that’s hard to beat!!!
The Little Prince and the Fox 