Two sides of the same coin

Sometimes one same situation can bring me such different emotions, depending on the moment, on how I’m processing it or what phase I’m in. 

In the past two weeks I’ve often been feeling that relief and sadness can be the two sides of the same coin for me. 

Two weeks ago, all I was feeling was a wonderful relief, made even shinier by some joy, pride, sense of liberation and empowerment. I felt that I had made yet another step forward in a very strong and positive way. 

Since then, in the past ten days or so, my feelings have acquired layers and tones and shades — and shadows. I still do believe (& feel) that with that clarifying and liberating conversation I made an important step forward for my own good, my own growth (as well as for the situation with that particular person). I still do believe (& feel) that I put something behind me, at last, that needed to be shed. But taking a step forward and leaving something behind also entails loss, and thus sadness. 

Grief comes in waves, I know. And this grief is not too hard, I know — I’ve experienced much bigger, deeper losses. But this particular grief is also more complex, in some ways, as it has to do with a situation that mixed so many different levels and aspects of my life. 

I think the biggest source of pain for me in this situation is within myself: giving up, and leaving behind me forever, a dream. 

I tend to be an optimist and a dreamer, and sometimes this makes things worse, I guess. I have a hard time letting go of my dreams. 

This is where staying in the “here & now”, plunging myself into the present moment, really helps me: this is why work and intense exercise and being in the company of the right people is so helpful and important for me. Almost a lifeline to keep me connected to reality. A little tricky when “doing my own things in my moment” leads me to involuntarily run into or be reminded of the specific situation l’m leaving behind, but such is life, I guess… After all, there’s two sides to every coin!