OMG, it just dawned on me why that clarifying conversation with the boulderer two weeks ago brought me such a mix of relief and grief (and maybe more grief that I had been expecting)! It’s because the closure with that specific person actually for me was the letting go and leaving behind of so much more, of other people and relationships of my past of which that particular situation reminded me.

So basically, I have been letting go of, and grieving, some very old stuff, almost “losing” some of it for the second time. It’s old grief resurfacing in some ways. And thus more intense grief but also more intense relief. More intense relief because only by letting fully go of those past situations, only by getting true, final closure, only by shedding all that baggage from years ago, from an altogether different phase of my life, only then can I truly be open to what life is presenting to me now. Only this way can I open up my arms and heart to these new experiences and persons and feelings, welcoming and embracing them fully. Scary as it may be.