I don’t know exactly what is going on with me but I feel like I’m on the top of a mountain or edge of a cliff: high up, having reached a high point and achieved some wonderful goals, but also in an extremely precarious situation and unstable equilibrium. There are days, or even just brief moments, when my mood soars, everything feels so wonderful — usually connected to a good workout, fun/close company, satisfying work, or sunny weather. But then, the moment the weather turns gray and foggy again, or none of my friends are available or my climbing buddies are all busy or make different plans and cancel with me — then everything can turn black for me, I feel an unfathomable sense of loneliness.
This wild swinging of my emotions and mood causes problems in two ways.
Firstly, it is very painful for me: in the bad moments, or hard days, everything seems so black that life almost seems unworthy to be lived or I feel like I’m some “monster” and I wonder what is wrong with me and despair of ever “fixing” it/myself. Which then, in turn, makes me feel angry towards “society & its conditioning” that I should even feel that “I have to fix myself”.
On the other hand, it seems to cause problems for me in socializing and making friends or lasting connections — at least here in California. So it becomes a real, practical problem because it increases my sense of loneliness, thus feeding the vicious circle.
I grew up in a mixed-culture household: one in which strong emotions where particularly common and evident, and often went unleashed. Something that I myself often struggled with and tried to avoid, to a certain extent, while growing up and then decided to leave behind me as an adult. So now my emotionality and my way of dealing with strong emotions is quite different from my nuclear family’s — I have also done a lot of psychological/therapeutic work on myself, which I believe has helped me to grow and become more balanced. But I still do feel and show strong emotions. I’m often being described as “passionate”, “full of energy”, “fiery”, and “intense” — and here in California more than ever. The first three labels are often intended as compliments or, at least, in a positive way. But the last — “intense” — is definitely meant as a “defect” or criticism. And this is one thing I really don’t like about many people here, the way they say “She/He’s intense” with a derogatory tone in their voice, almost with condemnation.
First of all, I think emotions are intense, not people: people can be emotional, but intensity pertains to emotions.
Secondly, I don’t see what the problem is with emotions being intense. Yes, emotions can be intense. Emotions often are intense. That’s life. Does that affect the rosy picture of Hollywood movies for people here? Or is it “inappropriate” to show one’s emotions? Or are there only some specific “appropriate” or “good” emotions that one is allowed to share/show, depending on gender, age, race, etc.?
I think I’m hurt and angry in this moment. Maybe because I was really hoping to “find home” here at last, after so much seeking and wandering in my life, and now I feel that this might be the wrong place for me, after all, but also that there might never be a “right place” for me because of my culturally mixed background: I’ll never really fit in anywhere.
I guess what I can do now — my “next right step” — is to try and parse out the extent to which there’s a cultural issue between me and the environment in which I currently live, and where instead the problem is my own in the sense of my own past wounds and traumas playing out and triggering and keeping me in unstable balance on the tip of this mountain instead of on some nice plateau… and remembering that there have been places and times where I have connected deeply and easily with people around me…
So yes, there might be a “monster” in me, and I need to get that “monster” healed, but maybe I’m not fully a monster…
The Little Prince and the Fox 