“Courage is different for each of us”

Just a few days ago, I saw this sticker I really liked at my climbing gym: a rainbow flag with the words “Courage is different for each of us” written on it. And Wednesday’s conversation with the boulderer (which reminded me in many ways of some other conversations I had in the past few yeas with a couple close friends) really brought home to me this “relativity of courage”.

I have often been told — and I am very often still being told — that I’m “brave” (or “bold”). And I believe it to be true, I see or feel it as a defining characteristic of me. But now I also see more clearly that “brave is relative” and maybe another way of describing this trait of my character (or my way of going about life) is that I “feel more comfortable than average with danger/risk”. At the end of the day, what I saw more clearly from that conversation on Wednesday is that I can get very close to, and tolerate, dangerous or risky situations, probably more than average — for better or for worse. And this holds in most realms of my life, whether it’s interpersonal relationships, personal hardship, physical activities, or fun adventures. 

I realize that danger or risk is actually what often makes me feel alive. In a sense, maybe that’s my “drug of choice”… 

Yet I’m not fool-hardy: whether it’s survival instinct, self-love, or simple knowledge of how I function, I also plan my escape routes and safety nets pretty well (or as well as I can) around the risks I take. On Wednesday, for instance, I filled my day with activities that gave me joy, to help ground and boost me before that conversation; then, I rode my motorcycle to the meeting with the boulderer, which I know always helps to get me in “my Zen place”; and I had already planned to get together with one of my closest guy friends for dinner after that meeting, which was a great way of processing the whole thing immediately afterwards. 

And now that I am totally unburdened from this situation, at last, I know that my next step will be to get out into the world to socialize more, because that’s what I need now. I am working and exercising and climbing in pleasant company and making nice connections with new “climbing buddies”, but I know I also need something more — or different. I would also like to have — as icing on my cake — closer, sexual/romantic relationships with persons who are “emotionally available”, and I probably won’t find those unless I push myself out of my “work/workout comfort zone”… 

So I guess that’s what courage is to me at the moment — and what I need to do next: push myself out of that comfort zone of mine to go and meet and connect deeply with “emotionally available” persons, and let them in under my armor of muscle and intellect…