Yet another step!

I did it! I had that long-needed conversation with the boulderer! And it’s such a relief — a triple relief! First of all, because I was in such a good place myself so I could actually have that conversation in the first place (which I hadn’t been until now and that’s mainly why I had been postponing). Secondly, because it was just such a load off my chest, so good to get it out of my system, to find my voice and make myself heard. And lastly, because the outcome was better than what I had expected. 

For once, I didn’t really have any expectations from the other person — that’s another reason why it was so good for me to go into that conversation yesterday and no sooner. I firmly believe that I would have been fine no matter what the outcome of that conversation had been. But it was better than what I might have expected because it gave me so much: on top of the sense of liberation and relief stemming from just saying what I felt and wanted to say, I was also being actually seen and heard by the other person, so it made it even easier and more satisfying and healing to say what I wanted to say — and I was really able to say it all, to say everything I had hoped to say and even a little more (in a good sense). 

And I received even more from yesterday’s conversation: I received affirmations about myself & my identity; confirmation that many of the things I had imagined or guessed were correct (so I wasn’t hallucinating!); confirmations that the boulderer & I resonate also on the important (to me) topic of the misleading of fixed/assumed sex-/gender-roles; the opportunity to finally talk in a totally unfiltered way with this person; and last but not at all least, now I know this person truly gets me and values my friendship and enjoys hanging out with me, because they told me so explicitly in what really was a heart-to-heart conversation.

And finally, I think I brought home some even deeper messages from yesterday’s conversation with the boulderer. On the one hand, the confirmation that we both trigger or remind each other of past familiar situations and in that sense this weird relationship, no matter how confusing and frustrating it has been at times, has served me to better understand and heal some of my old family wounds/relationship patterns and overcome them. On the other hand, a profound realization of how courage is different for different people. 

I’ll write more about this last point later — for now I’ll just leave it at that and revel in this wonderful (and I believe well-deserved) relief, with the conviction that this experience has been totally worth every minute of it!