Hymn to the Body

Yesterday evening Arys went climbing with their new buddies from the “Lead Climbing” class. 

Last week it was very cold when they took the class together, so Arys bundled up in two or three layers of long-sleeved T-shirts throughout the course. Yesterday, instead, the weather was warm again, so Arys wore one of their usual sleeveless tank-tops-sports-bra that are most comfortable for them to climb. And as Arys approached the climbing buddies, one of them exclaimed, “Wow, I hadn’t noticed how strong you are… you’ve really got some guns!”, and jokingly added, “I wouldn’t want to get into a fight with you”! 

His comment really pleased Arys, for several reasons. 

Firstly, and very importantly, because it was so spontaneous, buddy-like, seeped in camaraderie and genuine admiration; there was nothing inappropriate or objectifying or sexual/flirtatious or patronizing about it (which has been Arys’s experience sometimes): this guy was simply making a spontaneous, almost child-like, comment on a fellow climber. 

Then, there’s the deeper reasons connected to Arys’s identity and history. 

On the one hand, in general, Arys like their physical strength to be seen and acknowledged, especially since they are slender (they definitely wouldn’t want to get into a fight with anyone!) and growing up they had to battle against the idea of “thin and ‘princess-like’ is beautiful”. Plus, recognition of their physical strength from men adds to the gratification they feel because of their androgynous gender identity.

On the other hand, comments like that one from their climbing buddy last night are a particular relief to Arys now because of their COVID-19 experience. 

In March 2020, Arys was very sick with COVID-19. 

They have been an athlete (albeit not professionally) their whole life and at the end of February 2020 had won second place on their first long race on trails, running 14 miles over 3,300 feet elevation gain in 2 hours and 20 minutes, finishing just a few minutes behind the first woman. They were strong, fit, healthy. A few weeks later, they were flat on their back, struggling with a severe bout of COVID-19. Fortunately, they didn’t get pneumonia and weren’t hospitalized, but they were sick for weeks and — maybe even worse — it took them months and months and months to recover, to get anywhere close to ‘normal’, to their ‘pre-COVID’ fitness. And probably only now are they really back to their ‘pre-COVID’ levels — greatly thanks to their trip this summer and the wonderful (and healing) activities they did. 

Over a year to recover, over a year of not seeing, not feeling their body as they used to. That’s a long time. It was hard. 

Arys remember this one particular instance, in April 2021, when they went bouldering outdoors again for the first time in over a year with a couple of buddies when they were all fully vaccinated at last: Arys felt so weak and disconnected from their body, as if their body — their quads, their core, their arms — weren’t responding, as if their body weren’t really there. Arys went home and cried some very bitter tears. 

Fortunately, things started feeling better for them in May, but often there was still fatigue, or a lower-than-usual energy level for them when exercising and after workouts. Arys’s body still felt sluggish and didn’t look (and truly wasn’t) as strong as it used to be. It seems that things really turned around during their trip this summer, with all that hiking and trail running and outdoor climbing (at elevation!). And for the moment, they’ve been able to keep it up back at home, too — for which they’re really grateful. It just feels so good — and almost unbelievable — to have that strength and energy back, like it’s fully them back in their skin, back in their body again, at last! 

Arys know that, as Rainer Maria Rilke said, “No feeling is final”. 

Arys know they won’t have this body, this strength forever. But as Rilke also wrote, “Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going.” Arys are going to keep going, and after all the terror they have experienced, they will now revel a bit in this beauty.