Crab-walk?

While most people my age are buying their own house, moving in with their one-and-only (or main) partner, educating their children or waiting for the right moment to have their own kids — if they haven’t already done all or some of this —, I’m doing none of this and I’m actually making sort of opposite plans. Pushing 40, I feel closer than ever to the way I was in my twenties, to my authentic youthful self who had my own dreams. 

I did try some of those things, mainly the living with exclusive partner thing for several years in my late twenties-early thirties. And then finally walked out on that — to everyone’s benefit! 

I’ve never wanted kids of my own, although I enjoy being around my friends’ children and even helping them out and/or being a sort of “aunt/uncle/buddy” figure to their kids. 

When I walked out of that relationship, over five years ago, I walked away from a whole lot, and rebuilt myself a life almost from scratch here in California. And now, in a seemingly comfortable situation living on my own as “young professional”, what I truly want is to live with buddies, to have fun or pleasant roommates with whom to live and also socialize — as if I were in my twenties! I feel like I’m moving backwards, doing a sort of “crab-walk” compared to most of the people my age, to most of my friends and acquaintances (except for some friends who are much younger). 

I tend to be on the introvert side of the spectrum but I’ve realized than I’m actually much more sociable than I imagined. I miss the group friendships and communities I had in college & grad school. I realize I’ve needed several years of solitude to get myself back on my feet or to “get my life going” as I had always wanted it to and was struggling to do in Europe; but now, I feel open to life & more interaction & connections again. Now my solitude feels like it’s turning into loneliness. And yet the type of connections I’m seeking and wishing for seem to be “out of sync” with my current official age…

So am I doing the crab-walk?