“Beautiful boy”

I recently saw the movie “Beautiful boy” which touched me and resonated with me in various ways. 

There’s a boy in me. “Biologically” I am a female but I have always felt androgynous, sometimes wishing that I & the world were “neutral”. I’ve always felt a boy in me. And now, as my eyes and mind are getting rid of the veils from social/cultural conditioning, I see that boy when I look at myself in the mirror: a “beautiful boy”. 

I also see and feel the pain of that boy, like a hole in the soul sometimes — like Nic Sheff’s. And I realize that my intense exercising and my long summer solo trips on the road and/or out in nature often serve the same purpose as all the drugs Nic Sheff would shoot into his body: to try and anesthetize the pain, to fill that hole in his soul. To a certain extent, my hitting the road is as much of an escape as Nic’s shoving drugs into his body: I guess I’ve just been more fortunate in my choice of “drugs” — less damaging for my neurological system… 

But my road trips and adventures also serve the purpose of letting that “beautiful boy” in me come out fully — and now I see that’s always been the case for me.