What is wrong with me?

This might be my “mid-life crisis” coming out in bursts as my 40th birthday slowly approaches on the horizon (November 2021), although I don’t really care about age… Or it might be the result of a year of more introspective reflections than usual or too much isolation… Or symptoms of a ”Peter Pan syndrome” that makes me feel at odds with society, once again… 

I’m almost 40, with a doctorate in a hard science, solid professional experience in several cutting-edge fields, knowledge and interests also beyond STEM, and yet I don’t own anything (apart from a motorcycle and an old car, each worth no more than a few thousand $), I don’t have a “standard family” of my own or even a “stable partner”, I’m still renting and have no intention or interest or even possibility of buying a house anytime soon, and I keep making professional choices based on what I like to do rather than what pays well so I end up in jobs that actually don’t pay well but that I love. Sometimes I feel that my incapacity or disinterest in owning anything or in “settling down” may reflect an inherent incapacity to commit or be responsible. And yet, I do truly and wholeheartedly commit to the activities and persons and communities I love, and my job does entail a lot of responsibility toward other people. So what’s wrong with me? Am I really “selfish and immature” as my (younger) sister once said to me? Or are my values just different from hers and those of many people? 

I don’t value making a lot of money: I’d much rather be happy and healthy now than rich. 

For me, success isn’t measured in my bank account or size of my house or job title: for me, success is measured in the good memories and/or growth or encouragement that I leave in the hearts and minds of the people whose paths cross mine.

I’m not “good at” owning things if they need too much care, too much time or attention, because I simply enjoy doing too many things and cannot manage to dedicate enough time or attention to one single thing: does that make me a bad person, “selfish and immature”? 

But it’s not just that I’m not “good at” owning things: I don’t “believe in” owning things. I believe in shared property and I truly find myself at odds with the mainstream mentality of “having to buy a house”, “having to own this, that, and the other”, “having to get a promotion”, “having to earn a six-figure salary”. Why? What makes all things things so important? 

Maybe I really am irresponsible. Maybe I’ll wake up someday and wish I had bought a house or saved more money for retirement, when I’m old. But what if I never live to be old? 

Now, at 39, I’m more similar to my “dreamer self” from my teens & college years than I was ten years ago: am I regressing, going insane? Or just coming into my own self more truly and authentically? 

One of my difficulties now is societal pressure or comparison: in my teens & college years, it was “OK” to be a dreamer, an idealist, “different”, and many people my age were just like me — we were all dreamers and idealist and rebels; but now, as an “adult”, I seem to be one of the very few who is still a rebel or dreamer or idealist or non-conformist.

So that leads me to ask myself: what is wrong with me?